#3 the (unquestionable?) question of the Art

 

I guess I got lost in translation. But I did use the word "Selfishness in the creative process" once. Maybe "self-centered-ness" might be more what it is. The act of looking at what you make through your eyes, with your guts, as opposed to through the constant feedback, and the "I would have" conversations I have stopped listening to for my sanity. I believe I am a sort of selfish maker. Not with my collaborator who I highly and genuinely care for. But for the people outside the studio. In that sense I agreed with Olga. The question of the Art being necessary though. mmhm. 

Then comes the sharing of the work. THE moment I love the most. 

Then, the work slips out of my hand, of myself and becomes everything and everyone's. 

In that sense, I believe there is not a less selfish act than sharing something you have sweat for. You have gathered the money, the team, you have the mad courage of making and sharing. From the cave of "selfishness/self-centered-ness", you are on stage, offering all you have and all you are because there is nothing more humbling nor necessary than ART. Performing art, installation, music, painting, photography, music, literature. Art is like another religion, something we created, crafted, that has rules, codes, something that gets you to go beyond yourself. Art connects you to the HUMANITY part of yourself. Art connects you to the ANIMALISTIC part of yourself. 

It tears you apart. It makes you feel complete. It makes you feel like you are more than just a living being on this planet, for such a short period of time. It makes you inhale and exhale life. 

Practice. Practice to me serves the work of art. All my being (at least at the moment) tends to the work of art. Practice, serves. 

But Art, just like Practice, heals, cures, saves, teaches, makes you feel, gets you to escape, opens your eyes and your soul. Art is like... a practice for the soul. 

°°°°°°°°°

I have been thinking about what we said about the wholeness of our practice. I strongly agree with this. I cannot separate the work of art/practice from the person. That's why I have never finished "Journey to the end of the night". Some things started to sound off and the man was a pure mysogynist. And a fascist. That sweated from his words. 

I am interested in instinct. I thought naively it was because of the research I had led throughout the years. The animal vs. the human. The weird creatures we are. The matter, that body, that comes to an end, and our mind, our noble mind... Chatting this morning I realized that instinct was so dear to me because mine saved me. 

I listened to my body years ago. I knew something was wrong and kept being told "you're young and healthy". I was young, that was true. But I wasn't healthy. My body and my mind broke apart, a clear dislocation: on one side, that body I had trained, trusted, sculpted, loved; on the other side: that mind I had fed, sharpened. One had failed me and I hated it. That matter, that thing I was caring around had nearly killed me and mortality had become an old friend. When I understand that "I" had created it, "I" had created a monster, an octopus. "I" had hijacked myself. 

Then I got pregnant. I miscarried. That body had failed me again. I discovered craniotomy-sacral therapy. I had magical experiences of feeling my body melting on the table, in the hands of my practicioner and in the air of the room. I had become one with nature. 

I had forgotten that « I » was nature. 

Instinct. 

I got pregnant again. 2018. Crazy nature. Trusting my body again. It has stoped creating death. It is able to create life after all. 

I got pregnant again. 2021. I have untamed myself, I have connected with my cavewoman. 

Instinct. 

°°°°°°°°°

2019. I make a piece about cancer. The Ephemeral life of an octopus. 

After that piece, a woman who had had breast cancer came to me and said "this made me proud of having hosted such creatures" (= the cells). 

So yes. The selfishness remains within the creative process. To me THIS is the power of Art. It transforms one's experience into something else. It changes your view on things. 

It heals the soul. 

Note to myself: I need to talk about my collaborators / learning from them / making work = excuses to learn something new from them.